“Hey, Jay. Why don’t you review newer movies?” Because I am cheap.

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Anyway, here we go, Jurassic Park 4. I am not certain where to start on this pile of garbage. The first Jurassic Park brought a sense of wonder to an entire generation. The original is like a perfect meal. The sequels are that meal being digested, defecated, and eaten again.

Approaching this review has been fairly difficult as there is nothing good to say about this film. How the hell can the dinosaurs look worse now as opposed to the first one? There is no realism. The creatures look like they came out of a video game, which in a way works, as the writing of the characters is on about the same level as the original Mario.

We get to follow annoying douchebag Chris Pratt and obnoxious Bryce Dallas Howard as they search for two entirely unlikable children. I get that kids are stupid in films for plot reasons, but this was just insulting. I wanted the boys to be killed. Stupid, one-dimensional characters shouldn’t be in films. The motivations and character development is akin to the writers telling the audience to go fuck themselves.

It seems that stupid characters=stupid plot. “Oh no, we are against corporatism and love the animals.” Yet this movie might have the most blatant product placement I have seen in awhile. Either you are heartless or love dinos in this movie. What the hell happened to nuance of plot? Do we really need characters to announce their opinions at every turn? The film sat in development hell for ten years. Perhaps at one point there was a good plot. It seems now that they worried all Americans fell asleep on nuclear reactors and their brains melted—so we better dumb it the fuck down.

The “villains” of the film are equally stupid. Indominus Rex, otherwise known as “even bigger Jaws” is a super-McGuffin… I mean super-predator. There is a part where they ramble about how the creature is numerous different animals, whatever. I wonder if it is meant to symbolize the complete void of originality in Hollywood films. The other villain, Vincent D’Onofrio is likewise a joke. I really wonder what they had on D’Onofrio to have him play a caricature of a caricature of a villain.

Worse yet is the complete mutilation of what the original film stood for. Want majesty and splendor at science? Nope. Want likable characters? Nope. Want genuine suspense? Nope. Further, the director chose to have absolutely no depth to any decision. Better make the male hero and villain dumbass alpha bros. Better make all of the women weepy, weak, or cold (though she learns she needs a man by the end). The female characters operate on a strict binary. I wonder if anyone who wrote the film has ever met a woman in real life. “What do we do here?” “Make them cry, or keep them in heels, or remind them they only serve as vessels for children.” I cannot believe anyone enjoyed this trash. 3/10 A complete failure.

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