An absolute crap show of a movie.

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Not happy with the billions made in the Harry Potter franchise, we as an audience are now going to be subjected to a bunch more stories from the universe that did not need to be told. The entire Potter universe is not exactly narratively strong, but this is far beneath even that low bar.

We follow objectively unlikable Newt as he bumbles his way through this half baked adventure. Newt loses a bunch of magical creatures when he gets into a “TOTALLY ZANY HAHAHAHAHAHA BULLSHIT SCENARIO!” Oh wow! Look at how fun this is! Do you want to know what happens? He loses his fantastic CGI monsters to a bumbling baker who can’t secure a loan for his bakery. Yep, those are our heroes. We then meet two “quirky and fun” female wizards who will learn by the end of the movie that they need a man.

Wait, it gets better! That’s actually only half of the story because for some stupid reason the writers decided that the only thing better than one half baked narrative would be two. We also follow some other wizard (played by Colin Farrell—I forgot the character’s name) who is manipulating some kid (likewise, names aren’t important) to help him find a magical monster.

Either story could have worked, but smashing them together made possibly one of the most tonally confused films I have ever seen. You know what scene would go great after ice rink mating entrapment? (I am not kidding—that is a scene). Child abuse! Combing the two stories was a terrible idea. However, don’t worry, everything will work out fine in the end because this is still the Potter universe, so nothing of any consequence can really happen. (Yes, the few deaths in the books were all tragic. So sad to see the McGuffins go so frequently…). Everyone gets their happy ending more or less, except the abused kid, which was odd. I guess that this world doesn’t really care about abused children. When you think about that, it makes sense. The wizards didn’t do shit to help Potter despite years of abuse from his foster parents.

The most annoying aspect of this film is that I know for a fact this is not a contained narrative. Fantastic Beasts is nothing more than a forced entry point as we spin another franchise out of thin air. I can’t wait to see how many crappy movies they milk out of this universe before finally giving up. Maybe they won’t, though, and this is what I thought about primarily whilst watching the film. This represents the future of big budget films. Vapid, rubber-stamped, and lazy stories with no passion or effort behind them. You could almost hear the director saying “Screw it, we can jump cut and add CGI later.” Whatever, as long as it is good enough, right? Like so many other films, this pile of crap should have never been made, but it still made money. We all know that there will be a sequel, and a sequel to that…

Worse yet is the army of fanboys and fangirls who will defend this garbage to the death. The studios don’t even have to bother wasting any resources to counter critics. They either pay the critics off or leave it to their fans to shout over them. Good enough; that is the motto. We will just let the die hard fans do all the work for us, buy our crappy product, and let them pretend like anyone cares about them. Sorry folks, there is no connection between you and Rowling. These films are only made for money, and your willingness to spend all of your money on this mess is what they are counting on. Same with every comic-book and videogame film: demand better and maybe something will change. Will anyone, though? Maybe some, but not enough. Boycotts simply don’t work, and so long as everyone is satisfied with these movies there is literally no reason for them to do any better. Let’s all go look at the CGI love fests for the rest of our lives.

I truly believe that most three year olds are more intellectually advanced than anything this pile of puke can offer anyone. How they were able to trick so many people into thinking there was anything redeemable in this is beyond me. Alejandro Inarritu got a lot of flack for likening comic books films (and other Hollywood trash) to cultural genocide. He is absolutely right. These good-for-nothing “popcorn flicks” showcase how bankrupt our collective creativity has become. Bland hero worship and flashy effects—great… You can learn nothing from these films. There is no value to them. Let me put it this way, this film was so bad that I wanted to walk out of theater (something I have never done in my life). I sat through Monsturd with less irritation. 0/10

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