Ugh…

friday_the_13th_1980_theatrical_poster

1980

Even by 1980s standards this movie is bad. How this movie has gone on to become such a popular culture phenomenon is something I will never understand. Hell, even the infamous killer isn’t even in this one. Instead we are subjected to some of the dumbest and worst written characters in any horror film.

As some wealthy moron tries to reopen Camp Crystal Lake after a few incidents, we follow the camp counselors who arrive early. They are stalked and killed one-by-one by an unseen villain. There are so many problems with this movie it is hard for me to even start. First, why does the camp have such a bad name? Two decades ago two people were killed. If we followed that logic, almost nowhere in the United States would be considered pure. That is probably the least of my complaints.

A more significant complaint is the characters. If I didn’t recognize a young Kevin Bacon I do not think I could tell any of the male protagonists apart. They are little more than callow fools who are also incredibly rude. Faking drowning to sexually assault a friend is not funny—not in the 1980s, and not now. By almost any metric these characters are profoundly stupid.

The so called “scary” moments of the film are likewise dull. The killers are all predictable, and since we have no connection to any of the characters the meager 90-minute runtime feels like a slog. The greatest sin has to be the incredibly drawn out climax where we see the killer knocked down and fled from three separate times. Any hint of suspense in long since lost in some of the worst acting and directing imaginable.

In short, if you haven’t seen this film you are literally missing nothing. It is a garbage film that should have been left a relic of the past. I guess what I am really trying to say is fuck this movie. 1/10

2009:

With my great love for the first film (sarcasm) I was hesitant to waste my time with this one. Here we have Michael Bay’s production company bringing another old franchise back to life. With the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot there were some interesting additions. Also helping old Freddie was the fact that the original is still pleasing to watch.

The film is more of a sequel to the original, or a sequel to the second in the series, but I don’t care. I will not waste another 90 minutes of my life on this garbage franchise. Seriously, on my deathbed I am going to be pissed about the time I spent here. Why Michael Bay? Why did you have to waste my time?

Something I have never understood with so many slasher films is the decision to make the characters as close to objectively unlikable as possible. After what is one of the longest introductions to a horror film, we follow Sam Winchester as he searches for his sister (yes I know that is not the actors real name). We are meant to like Same, and be on his side. So, how do the writers do this? By the laziest way possible—making everyone else easy to to hate. We end up like Sam through process of elimination rather than any inherent value. When juxtaposed to rich-boy-bro asshole Trent it is hard to not like anyone more.

To put it bluntly, these characters are such jokes that the only thing keeping me going was watching them die. Instead of actually developing anyone we have the characters act as pure plot convenience (something this film is quite loyal to the original with). Terrible people fill out empty scenes. This film could have shed upward of 50% of its length and would have been better for it.

It is hard to determine what is more annoying, the pathetic and cheap sex appeals or some of the most mind-numbing dialogue ever. Douchebro Trent tells his girlfriend he “likes her tits” what feels like about 500 times in a gratuitous and lazy sex scene. We get it, your character is a bro. Goes to show that the actors in this were either desperate or had zero self respect to demand a somewhat more decent film.

To head off any who would say I am simply a prude, I must be clear. Sex and violence (even sexualized violence) have their place in film. This movie is cheap and ugly. Made for 13 year-olds (and seemingly by 13 year olds). All the polish and filters can change the fact that this movie is little more than a reheated turd. A wet fart at a social event is more frightening than anything in this series. 1/10

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