Another anthology film.

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A Christmas Horror Story is in the same vein as our Tales of Halloween. That review was a bit of fun, so here goes another. Couple things before we begin, this film only has four stories, so that is nice (?) I think. Also, this film released July 20. Why?

I will be reviewing this as I watch it.

Why do anthology films have to have such lengthy openings? I know they don’t all do this, but the last two I watched did, and I think that is enough for such a broad statement. I also don’t care how much you speed up a Christmas song, it is still a damn Christmas song and it isn’t scary.

Oh great. William Shatner is in this. I wonder if all it takes for him to be into a movie is sardines dipped in BBQ sauce leading to the set. If you couldn’t tell, I am not a huge fan of Shatner.

At least in this movie, the annoying DJ is actually seen, and I am guessing this is what ties the movie together.

Wow they just jump right into the first story. Ummm. No title for it. We are watching people watching a scary video. This is exciting. Apparently, these folks are students (wealthy students). Can’t tell if these are supposed to be high school (seem too old) or college (seem too dumb) students.

Again, I might be spending more time writing on this segment than the writers did.

It is odd to slip between so many characters in an anthology film. Are we meeting the people from all the stories? I am guessing so, but that is all I can do. Now we are watching some asshole chop down a Christmas tree on private property. Does this actually happen? Oh shit, we’re back to the students.

High schools don’t have equipment this nice, right? Looks like a high school. I am confused. I am more curious about this than I am about the actual mystery.

Ah. Principal. Yep. These twenty-somethings are in high school. Glad we figured that out.

Hey, that dude who played death on Supernatural is in this.

So, it seems we are meshing the stories together. I am not certain this is the best way to do an anthology film. I am not sure what is actually happening in two of the three. A crappy family. A crappy tree-stealing family. And dumb students. Exciting. Oh yeah, Santa’s a character, too.

I know teenagers can be a pain in the butt, but these kids seem out of control. Notice how I didn’t specify which story. Because it doesn’t matter.

Ugh. I was hoping the Santa cameo was just that, but nope. We have to have a view of elves and toys and crap. I am curious why my streaming service (if they start paying me I will identify them) thought I’d like this one more.

I think this movie would do well to be recast in a more humorous light. I can’t tell if they thought this was clever or if they just don’t care.

I’m taking a break. I made it 20 minutes before needing some air. See if you can beat my time.

Couple loses kid in woods. Doesn’t really seem concerned quickly enough. Find kid who is obviously possessed or something. And now we are back to our teens. They really should have shown the whole story in these segments.

Likable characters. That is what horror movies need. Why is this so hard to do?

30 minutes in. No scares. No humor. No gore. Is this movie playing a trick on me?

Do you think film critics become jaded over time? I wonder. I mean, a lot of folks watch a lot of movie, but I am constantly watching movies. Does that mean I will automatically be harder on them? Genres seem to act as major lexicons, which makes sense to a large extent. A horror film can only really work when it relies on horror film tropes, same with any other genre. I wonder if this somehow contributes to critics getting tired of films. Another possibility is that this film might just suck.

Kid stabs dad, no one really seems to care. Oh look. Shatner’s back. Great. Maybe I am too hard on Shatner, but oh well. This is probably the laziest review I have written so I may as well gripe about what it is on my mind.

Oh good. Santa’s elves are becoming zombies. What? What in the world am I watching?

The movie actually referenced the war on Christmas.

So, I’m going to call it now. The kids in the high school part is the closest to an interesting story. The acting is horrible, but at least this resembles a horror film. It is a horrible, corny, not scary, and boring horror story, but at least it is technically horror.

So I’m worried a serial killer is here with me. Better separate from my friends to use the bathroom. Yeah. Logic.

Why are all facial piercings silver? I wonder why we don’t see more colors, heck even gold. Earrings come in all sorts of colors. Oh yeah. The movie.

41 minutes for the first “scare.”

Holy crap, the acting is bad. I think this was all shot in a single take. The tone shifts between these stories are making the entire experience even worse. Almost like they tried.

Now, I don’t advocate child abuse or even physical punishment, but the dude was stabbed by the kid… Also, the kid is literally a monster, so whatever.

See what this movie has done to me? I just advocated for child abuse!

This movie reminds me of those late-at-night horror films that came on when I was a kid. I wish I could remember the name of some of them. The biggest failing of this film is that the stories just aren’t very interesting. The best part of anthology films was that if one story sucked it was over quickly, this film betrays that concept by showing them all piecemeal.

Had to break for coffee.

Where do I get my coffee, you probably aren’t asking. Once they start paying me, I will let you know.

So the movie ends with a whimper, as each story is predictably concluded. Sure, there is a dumb twist at the end, but it is just that. Possibly the worst anthology horror film I have seen. Don’t waste your time on this one. 1/10

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