Let’s enjoy retirement.

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Polar is another Netflix film, and this is another example of the unpredictability of the quality in their lineup. I suppose we should have all been suspicious when this and Revenger were given January releases.

This movie is unique in that I have never seen such a blatant rip-off of another film that also has a unique source material. This film is John Wick with Mads Mikkelsen instead of Keanu Reeves. We have a hitman about to retire, and now he is being hunted by his former associates. The scenario is changed around a bit, but this is the same damn movie.

I think people who enjoyed Wick (I did not) will probably find this one okay. We get a louder and more distracting version here. The characters split between objectively stupid or unlikable, and this is likely a career worst for everyone involved. The settings are cliché ridden messes that will make you a little ill to see. Why the fuck do people wear sunglasses inside at night? It doesn’t make you look cool.

Honestly, the story of this seems to have been randomly generated by the masturbatory fantasies of 12-year-old boys. No matter how disgusting the male character is women seem to swoon. No matter how obnoxiously repulsive characters are there is a forced attempt to make them seem cool.

The whole stupid plot is that Blut (who is also in the running for worst character in a movie, ever) wants to kill his employees to take their retirement funds. Let’s walk through this for just a second (since the writers didn’t seem to bother). Why would anyone do this knowing that they will likely become a target themselves? Is everyone in this movie a complete idiot? Don’t answer that.

So of course, Mads figures it out and we get another romp of killing, but wait! It actually takes our idiot villains a while to find him (and they are also in the running for worst set of villains, ever). Too much of this movie is spent with people who should never have been made characters.

The whole mess is ugly, objectifying, and too stupid to make any sort of commentary on anything. (Sure makes me wonder how much Akerlund—the director—fucked up Lords of Chaos if the complexities of an action film seem to be too much). Loud, stupid, and pointless is about the best way I can describe this movie.

I genuinely wonder how they blackmailed Mads into this one.

The movie is so bloated with unnecessary details that the two-hour (nearly) run time is truly a slog to get through. An editor should have cut about 30% away, and at least then it wouldn’t make you bored while it insulted your intelligence. Seriously, did we need the whole assassin-becomes-a-teacher subplot?!

The movie does get a little better at the halfway point, but all this does is make you realize what a waste the first half was. I never thought I’d see a movie that made the Wick films look competent.

If you want a cliché-ridden mess, have at it.

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