Let’s go from one bad relationship to another.

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New Moon offers better scenery but little else is an improvement upon the deep-fried turd that is this franchise.

A penguin mistaking a garbage bag of medical waste for its partner would make a better love story than this series.

In New Moon, abusive Edward continues to be abusive and dumps Bella after she gives herself a paper cut, which causes dumb-looking-vampire to attack her (I can’t remember his name). Since Bella’s entire existence is linked to men, she falls into a catastrophic depression that would warrant institutionalization. Remember gals, without men you are nothing—I am sure this is a quote from Stephanie Meyer.

The whole paper cut makes a vampire go nuts thing is a little odd. How could they function in society? People cut themselves all the time. Let alone the issue of menstruation—I am probably thinking way too hard in my efforts to apply logic.

Logic be damned! Nothing in this film makes any sense and the entire thing is a complete waste of time. We get to see Bella fall for Jacob, who is (I guess) nicer in his manipulation and gaslighting of Bella, so he is supposed to seem the better person??? Women are non-entities here, which is increasingly odd given this is a female led fantasy written by a woman.

Despite a new director behind the camera, the actors still look like they are choking back vomit in most scenes. I can hardly blame them though; I can’t imagine being involved in this production. While we can say “I would have done it for the money” it must have been like getting kicked right in the asshole every day on set.

Bella is a moron who falls in love with two abusive assholes. The series could have made a commentary on the dangerous aspects of infatuation or… anything really. I honestly think any reiteration of this story with even a slight change would be a vast improvement. There is no thought here, just pretentious puke, like trying to make a deep connection to Romeo and Juliet, while ignoring the horrific undertones of this film. Women are little more than objects here.

The acting and writing are complete trash. I wanted to really lean into this review and have some fun, but there isn’t a whole lot to say. Stupid people doing stupid things for a cruelly long running time.

I suppose we could talk about the expanded lore. There are super-douchey uber-vampires in Italy (how they convinced Michael Sheen to participate in this is beyond me, but he is the only actor thus far who appears to be having any fun). I’m going to call them the Volvo-squad because I am a prick. Anyway, these vampires set the rules, but seem to wantonly kill humans (despite wanting to stay secret), so I guess hypocritical leadership occurs in vampire land, too?

The world simply isn’t interesting. I think this is a cheap series designed to manipulate emotionally developing young women into convincing themselves the abuse they experience is their own fault. I love ripping on bad movies, but this series seems to be actively working to undermine women’s agency in relationships. Fuck this movie. I fucking hate everything about it.

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