Let’s bro out.

220px-Eclipse_Theatrical_One-Sheet

Eclipse is a pointless film. I think Meyer just wanted to have four books instead of three, so she shit this one out.

A man falling in love with a block of muenster cheese and graphically expressing said love would be a better love story than Twilight.

This one follows Bella as she continues to beg Edward to be made into a vampire, but he won’t until they are married (probably so the state doesn’t come after him for stalking a child), and this all happened in the previous film. I guess the cast and crew collectively blacked out and decided to retread the same plot points.

Seriously, this is a void of filmmaking. I perused some other reviewers and was surprised to find that this one is considered the best of the series—not sure why. I would put them all at the bottom of the barrel as far as filmmaking or narrative depth goes. I think this one tricked some folks into thinking something happened because there is some more action.

Victoria is back (a kind of villain from the first one) and is now raising an army of newborns, who are stronger than older vampires, because that fits into vampiric lore… Anyway, I had forgotten who Victoria was, and I assume they figured the audience did as well. They recast the role to Bryce Dallas Howard, who is inconsistent at best in her portrayal. For a vampire who is supposedly such a danger she just runs away all the time.

We still have to suffer through the whole Jacob-Bella-Edward love triangle (could also be called the roid rage-zombie-vomit boy love triangle). Both bros want to claim Bella as their property, and as they try to show one another up all I could wonder is why they aren’t just pissing on her. The subjectivity of Bella is simply non-existent here. I wish I had more jokes about it, but this is simply a story of a woman trapped between two gaslighting and abusive assholes and the author who created it doesn’t seem capable of critiquing such a situation. Anyone who thinks this shit is healthy should probably seek professional help—and I am not being sarcastic there.

Anyway, the crux of the film is that the werewolves and vampires have to team up to murder newborn vampires (that sounds really fucked up when it is written that way). They are taught to fight by the vampire Jasper, who is suddenly a southerner—wait, was he always a southerner? Why is he a southerner? (Oh, I also learned Forks is a real town in Washington, which probably means some of my jokes about the name were in bad taste). So anyway, we have a southerner, who fought for the confederacy, played by an actor born in Singapore, teaching vampires to wrestle, does nothing with the werewolves, and then we are all prepared for the battle?! Why did they make him a confederate? Are we supposed to like confederates in this series? What?

How’s the battle? It’s fucking stupid, why wouldn’t it be? Corny as hell CGI as a bunch of heroes whose names I don’t know massacre newborn vampires whose names I didn’t care about. The rules of this universe are so poorly defined that I had no idea what the hell any of it meant, and none of it mattered.

The lame ass Volvo-Squad (the douches from Italy) make a slow-mo intro that only a twelve-year-old obsessed with Hot Topic would have ever allowed to make it to the final cut. The villains in this series are just terrible.

What happens in the end? Jacob still has a rage-boner for Bella (and debatably Edward) and still seems prone to violent outbursts when he doesn’t get his way. Bella is still going to marry the 90-year-old man with the emotional range of a cast iron skillet, and everyone is still a little dumber for suffering through it all.

The whole thing is just fluff. It was bullshit filler when it was written, and it remains so as a film. The final portion is broken into two parts just to suck as much money out of this flaming burlap sack of children’s nightmares and cat piss as possible. I hate this series so much. I can’t believe anyone could watch even ten minutes of this and not call it what it is: juvenile misogynistic garbage.

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