Let’s finally be free of this horrid series.

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A story about a man eating himself alive would be a better love story than Twilight.

Breaking Dawn II: Dawn Harder contains the actually narrative meat of the last book. After Bella gives birth to Renesmee (yeah, really) and Jacob decides he wants to fuck that baby, Bella is a little upset. We have scenes that are meant to be humorous as Jacob “can’t control it” and he “only wants the best for the child,” yeah, these same lines could be used in a docudrama about a pedophile. I would like to think that Meyer was being clever here, but this series proved she is incapable of such things.

After some other vampire sees Renesmee she reports to the Volvo-squad that the Cullens have an immortal child—a vampire turned while young and these creatures can’t control their cravings. So, the Volvo-squad is going to slowly (we’re talking White Walker slow) come across the ocean (after hitting up the Hot Topic) and slaughter them all. The Cullens now must gather witnesses to try and convince the dipshits to not kill everyone.

The hilarious part of all of this is that many of the vampires can read minds. Seriously, this whole dilemma should have been sorted in about two minutes. However, everyone in this story is as shallow as a puddle of piss, so this can’t happen. We have to have our big battle, which is surprisingly lame given the budget, but don’t worry, it is all a vision anyway. Nobody was hurt in the making of this finale.

The putrid acting and writing stays consistent in this one. I suppose I may as well chalk that up as a positive: the films don’t get worse on this front. It was a stupid story at conception and remains so at the conclusion.

What is worse here is the direction. We have so many cuts on simple scenes it becomes disorienting. We also get a ton of the super-fast vampire crap with pathetic CGI. However, the best part is the freak baby that is Renesmee. Why they CGI’d a baby is beyond me. The whole thing reeks of desperation to make the film seem like something more than it is. This series wants to be more than a terrible romance and what is basically abstinence porn, but it can’t because it isn’t anything more than just that.

I know folks following this series want me to end with a funny review, but I’m just out of steam on this one. This is simply a terrible story and how it became so popular is something I don’t think I will ever understand. The books are horrid, but the films might be even worse. It doesn’t help that our two leads have absolutely no chemistry together. Most of the time they look miserable and who can blame them, honestly?

I figure I will end with some of the jokes that didn’t make it into the reviews:

Pretty funny how Edward White Fanged Bella in the second one. “Get outta here.”

Think Charlie is going to arrest Jacob for pedophilia?

Bella should have busted out a giant strapon when she became a vampire and abused Edward.

Funny how even in combat Bella has to be thrown around.

When Edward didn’t want to have sex with Bella because his penis might kill her “Is his mouth broken?”

Did they stop sparkling in the last one because everyone realized it was fucking stupid?

This last one wants to trick us into thinking we are watching Lord of the Rings. With the opening and fancy credits.

I think they added non-white vampires this time to give black people a chance to speak in this series.

Funny how we meet dozens of characters who might have been interesting, but no, let’s focus on the abusive shitheads.

Was Jacob really horny for Edward right before Renesmee was conceived?

What the fucking fuck happened to Jasper’s southern accent?

One lonely man and a jar of mayonnaise would be a better love story than Twilight.

A documentary about Ted Bundy would be a better love story than Twilight.

I think Michael Sheen’s character was getting quite aroused at all the violence. Still one of the only people having any fun in this series.

Funny how we can’t even trust Bella to escape with her own child—better have the guy who wants to fuck the baby take care of that…

I suppose in the end this film should give just about anyone an icky feeling. It is amazing such a misogynistic story managed to become so popular. This might be the worst film series I have ever seen. While other movies may suck, this series presents so many sick ideas that it belongs in a category on its own. I hated every second of these films.

I need to go bleach my eyeballs.

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